Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
