Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
