I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
