a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
