her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
