"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
