I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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