look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
