wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
