Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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