i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
