right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
