By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
