Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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