I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
