Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
