the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
