new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
