YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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