the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I am one with the molecules
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
