How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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