Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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