if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We need to rekindle our bromance
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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