I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
