I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
