happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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