I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
