I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
