I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
