508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
