i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
