you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
