My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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