I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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