I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
