How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
