You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
