remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
