There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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