it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
