i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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