I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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