At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
