Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
