one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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