how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
