Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
