Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
