The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
