Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
