i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
