It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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