It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He did a backflip because drugs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
