tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
