i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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