I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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