I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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