Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
