My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
